I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
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“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
Travel bloggers during quarantine
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo