OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
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I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
Yup.
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.