Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
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[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
my first dose meeting my second
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
Is this the real life?
Is this just
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins