Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
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My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.