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I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car