Just a phase…
You Might Also Like
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.