Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
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“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
forgive me baja for i have blast
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
Weirdly Wednesday.
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy