COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
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Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?