“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
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me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
wtf management?!
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.