I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
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whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
There is no “we” in pizza
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
When someone trying to leave me
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
live long and prosper!
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.