Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
You Might Also Like
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
Me too door. Me too.
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*