Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
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Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
NOT all policemen are strippers.
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.