me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
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The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.