Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
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Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
hi why am I like this
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
When you’ve simply given up.
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.