Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
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“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
Dyslexics are teople poo!
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
everyone has that one prude friend
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
fired
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it