Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
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Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.