onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
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*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
“That’s what” – She
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
Who does Amazon think I am?
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.