That’s no pocket rocket.
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Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!