The struggle is real.
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Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
Well, shit
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
Tastes like chicken.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness