The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
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Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
That’s amazing.
this is so top tier i cant
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
Sooo many times…..
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight