Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
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I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
Bike for sale
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
If you know, you know 😂🚔
Just parrot things
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.