I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
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I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
What
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.