Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
You Might Also Like
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
Art by Pastelkatto
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”