The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
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Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.