ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
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If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!