Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
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Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
the noise i just made
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.