How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
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I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT