My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
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*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.