I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
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Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
Worst perfume name ever.
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?