safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
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Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
Tastes like chicken.
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward