me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
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Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
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AI: 17.
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Me: NO!
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
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Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
This probably isn’t good
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Me: Okay.
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So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
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2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
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Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that