The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
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My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
The symmetry is uncanny.
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool