I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
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[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
Yup
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*