If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
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The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket