(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
You Might Also Like
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
I…do not understand how electricity works.
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
You are what you delete.
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!