Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
You Might Also Like
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.