Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
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Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!