Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
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Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]