I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
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I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!