My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
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Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
Just as the prophecy foretold
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
My 9yo misses having a dog so I took her to the dog park. A dog owner came up to me to chat and asked “which one’s yours?”
I pointed to my daughter.
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?