we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
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*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
Mountain Goat : )
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
Tastes like chicken.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.