Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
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only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”