In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
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Meeeee too!
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
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-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.