“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
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[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick