Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
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Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
I’m good, thanks.
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda