Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
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Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
Just this preview of the story is enough
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
The opposite of Iceland is water water
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit