God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
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ATMs should have breathalyzers
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.