I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
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[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.