oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
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Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it