There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
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I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE